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User blog:Joeaikman/Joe's battles of fiction 1 - Tintin vs Asterix the Gaul
Welcome to a new series created solely by me at the moment. Hopefully we can get some comments going and people will enjoy the work I produce :) Today's battle is between two of my favourite cartoon characters growing up, the creation of Herge, Tintin and the Gaulish warrior who fought off the Romans, Asterix. So without further ado we should be getting on |-| Rap Battle= CAST EpicLLOYD as Tintin Nice Peter as Captain Haddock Link Neal as Asterix Rhett McLaughlin as Obelix Dante Cimadamore as Cacofonix, Getafix and Calculus (cameos) Shay Carl as Vitalstatistix (cameo) JOE'S BATTLES OF..... FICTIOOOOOOOOOOON ASTERIX THE GAUL! VS TINTINNNNNNNNN! BEGIN Tintin: There once was a village on the northern tip of Gaul Which will be the sight for this most epic cartoon brawl Between a reporter, famous around the world And a midget French warrior, who refuses to hit a girl For your verse I'll cover my ears like your Bianca Castafiore Just one of my books beats all your silly stories My adventures rock with all the epic plots that I've got You look like something from a Dr Seuss book So enter the frey, this battle won't take very long Guzzling down magic potion like you're the Gaulish Lance Armstrong Asterix: Ooh a racist reporter thinks he can beat me The fiercest Gaulish warrior the worlds ever seen Well watch it,the sky's gonna fall down on your head Call me the bird brothers, pump your belly full of lead A face so simple it could have been drawn by a kid Coming closer to dying than Chang did Cutting off this battle before it's really begun to start Leaving as unsatisfactory an ending as Tintin in Alph-Art Haddock: Step aside Tintin, let me take on this land lubber Raining shots down from my sea plane,you better find cover A billion blue blistering barnacles have more intellect than you Dropping this beat like it's bread in fondue This is Archibald Haddock, a supreme sober sailor Hey Tintin, these Gauls are crazy Looks like we tag teamed and showed this whiny little bitch You and your fat friend need to calm down, go get a fix Obelix: Who you calling fat? I'm just well covered (Another running joke is Obelix complaining every time someone calls him fat, his response often being that he isn't fat, just well covered.) A boy wonder and sea captain always getting into bother (Obelix mocks Tintin for his youthful age and his reputation as a boy wonder. He then mocks both of them for their tendency to get in deep trouble eg with the government or the police) It ain't hard calculus, just add it right up (Tintin and Haddock's best friend is Professor Cuthbert Calculus. Calculus is often associated with maths and Obelix is telling them to do the maths) Two Gaulish warriors batter these Belgian chumps (Continuation from previous line. Obelix is saying that him and Asterix added together would easily beat Tintin and Haddock.) Does this ring a bell? You weirdos should go straight to the Serkis (A double reference. Jamie Bell and Andrew Serkis played Tintin and Haddock during their most recent film. Their names are adapted to imply that the two should go to work for a freak show at a circus) Cause Obelix is here with just one purpose (He is saying he has only one reason to be here) You're just like the Romans, and we will never be vanquished (Obelix compares them to the Romans who can never overcome the Gauls. He is saying that they will remain undefeated.) Finishing this battle now so we can get straight to the banquet (Every Asterix book ends with the heroes celebrating their inevitable success at a banquet. It also let's Obelix show himself as obsessed with food.) JOES BATTLES OF FICTION!!!! WHO WON??? WHOS NEXT??? YOU SUGGEST!!! Who won? Asterix and Obelix Tintin and Haddock Category:Blog posts Category:Blog posts Category:Blog posts |-| Rap Meanings= Tintin: There once was a village on the northern tip of Gaul (All the Asterix books tend to start with an intro about his village, this parodies this fact. He also says was to remind Asterix that he is history and past it) Which will be the sight for this most epic cartoon brawl (Tintin acknowledges that this battle will be epic as both characters are great cartoon characters) Between a reporter, famous around the world (Tintin acknowledges how famous he is here. It also links to how Tintin's books take him all over the world whereas Asterix stays closer to home) And a midget French warrior, who refuses to hit a girl (Tintin mocks Asterix, first for how small he is, which is a point made a lot in his series and secondly for his Gaulish etiquette which is a key feature in "Asterix and the Secret Weapon") For your verse I'll cover my ears like your Bianca Castafiore (Tintin mentions the Milanese Nightingale, or Bianca Castafiore, who is an opera singer in his series. He says Asterix's raps will sound like her singing.) Just one of my books beats all your silly stories (Tintin tells Asterix he can beat all his books with just one of his. It also references that people see Tintin's stories as more realistic whilst Asterix's are pretty far-fetched) My adventures rock with all the epic plots that I've got (A continuation from the previous line, Tintin emphasises that his plots make more sense and are more different to Asterix's. He also implies Asterix has too many similar plots.) You look like something from a Dr Seuss book (Tintin mocks Asterix for his emphasised features, like his nose, saying Asterix looks like something Dr Seuss, who drew strange creatures in his books, would draw) So enter the frey, this battle won't take very long (Tintin says the battle won't take long as he will win easily) Guzzling down magic potion like you're the Gaulish Lance Armstrong (Asterix gains superhuman strength from a magic potion he drinks. Tintin compares Asterix to infamous cyclist Lance Armstrong, who cheated to win the Tour De France. Tintin is saying that, like Armstrong, Asterix needs to cheat to win his battles and abuse drugs.) Asterix: Ooh a racist reporter thinks he can beat me (During his earlier books Herge was accused of racism by stereotyping the personalities and looks of minority people. This was especially applicable to "Tintin in the Congo". Tintin was also a reporter by trade, which is often forgotten due to how his books pan out) The fiercest Gaulish warrior the worlds ever seen (Asterix bigs him up by calling himself the best. He also references how he is always the one selected for dangerous missions) Well watch it,the sky's gonna fall down on your head (The Gauls in the book, notably Vitalstaistix, have a great fear of the sky falling on their heads. The sky here is Asterix's raps, he is saying his raps will crush Tintin and he should be scared) Call me the bird brothers, pump your belly full of lead (The Bird Brothers were the antagonist in the Tintin story, "The Secret of the Unicorn". In this book they shot a man on Tintin's doorstep. Asterix is saying he will shoot Tintin like the Bird Brothers) A face so simple it could have been drawn by a kid (Asterix mocks the simplicity of Tintin's face, saying anyone could have drawn something so boring. He is parodying it against his more complex design) Coming closer to dying than Chang did (Chang is one of Tintin's closest friends. He almost dies in "Tintin in Tibet" where Tintin is the only one who believes he is still alive) Cutting off this battle before it's really begun to start (Asterix says he is finishing this battle before it's properly got going) Leaving as unsatisfactory an ending as Tintin in Alph-Art ("Tintin in Alph-Art was Herge's last unfinished book. It ends with Tintin about to die without the reader knowing how he will escape. This continues the previous line) Haddock: Step aside Tintin, let me take on this land lubber (Tintin's best friend, Captain Haddock, joins the rap and tells Tintin to stand aside so he can beat Asterix. He uses the word landlubber as it is a name he regularly uses in his tirades, due to him being a sea captain) Raining shots down from my sea plane,you better find cover (The sea plane references two of Tintin's books. In "The Shooting Star" Tintin flies a sea plane to a star that has fallen in the North Sea, whilst in "Red Sea Sharks" Tintin and Haddock are fired at by Skut from a plane, hence why Haddock says he will shoot at Asterix) A billion blue blistering barnacles have more intellect than you (A billion blue blistering barnacles is one of Haddock's catchphrases when he frequently gets annoyed. He is saying that these small sea creatures are more intelligent than Asterix) Dropping this beat like it's bread in fondue (One of the running jokes in "Asterix in Switzerland" is a roman dropping bread in a fondue at an orgy and being punished for it. To drop the beat means to win with raps.) This is Archibald Haddock, a supreme sober sailor (Archibald Haddock is Captain Haddock's full name. He is saying he is a supreme sailor, or the best sailor. He also references his title as president of the committee of sober sailors) Hey Tintin, these Gauls are crazy (Throughout the Asterix series Obelix calls different groups of people crazy eg the Romans, The goths, the Druids. Haddock turns this against Tintin by calling him insane) Looks like we tag teamed and showed this whiny little bitch (Haddock is saying that him and Tintin on a team is too much for Asterix to deal with) You and your fat friend need to calm down, go get a fix (The fat friend is Obelix, Asterix's best friend who is usually angry or frustrated. Getafix is the name of the Druid in the village who brews the magic potion. Haddock uses a play on his name as "to get a fix" is the same as saying to go smoke a joint. Haddock is saying Asterix needs to calm down and do some drugs.) Obelix: Who you calling fat? I'm just well covered A boy wonder and sea captain always getting into bother It ain't hard calculus, just add it right up Two Gaulish warriors batter these Belgian chumps Does this ring a bell? You weirdos should go straight to the Serkis Cause Obelix is here with just one purpose You're just like the Romans, and we will never be vanquished Finishing this battle now so we can get straight to the banquet